I wanna be read, loved, memorized. I wanna be a poem that changes lives.
--Suheir Hammad, one of the poets of Def Poetry Jam
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
Thursday, April 24, 2003
i shoulda stayed home and studied
So instead of staying in and studying like the good little girl I am =P, i just went out and had a pretty not-so-hot night. My suitemate Ashleigh, Shanta and I all made a last-minute decision to hit up AKA Lounge. Tzar, Ashleigh's boyfriend, was performing so we did our usual appearance to support the local scene. Well, for some reason, none of us were really too excited about the night, even though it was probably the last opportunity for us to all chill together before the summer and before we move in together next fall. I guess all of our intuitions had been forecasting that something negative would go down.
All I remember was Shanta and I getting our lounge on and chillin' on one of the couches right after Tzar's set, talking about the art on the walls and the beauty of the human form. The next thing we knew, half the guys there were on the ground. Punches flew left and right, i saw blood and heard bottles breaking on some of the guys' heads. I think i was pretty frozen on the couch while I saw mad people rush to the fight that was happening not even 10 feet from me. But I snapped out of it as soon as I felt Shanta get up beside me, and i shouted at her "Let's be out!" Later on I found out there's some obvious beef with the local hip-hop scene. Sad...let's live in love, peace, and unity, y'all.
We chilled outside for a while, which ended up being the highlight of my night. Most of the crowd was gathered outside talking about the details of whatever they saw. In the meanwhile, i moved off to the side and happened to discover this other tight little lounge right next to AKA called The Mark. Score! I love these intimate little places and the band they had playing tonight was really good. I just sat on their stoop and chilled to their set. Then a little ways down the street I saw this interesting little art gallery called The Oval on Orange. While wandering around even more, I passed by this bar, Bodhissativa, that described itself as "the nudist, buddhist, biker, bondage bar". Uh ok, that's cool! Hey, whatever people are down for! LOL glad to have found some positivity after all that craziness happened.
So note to Michelle (my partnah): we're going to have to do some strolling around downtown this summer, as usual. Plus, The Mark reminded me of that little jazz club Let Let brought us to that was in the Village in NY. We gotta start discovering all the little places orlando has to offer, too!
Oh, to add to the ghettoness of the night, this really un-fly brotha tried to run game the whole time, much to my dismay. But he's a chef at a local restaurant and he offered the three of us free meals there. LOL poor college students need to eat right? haha j/k. Then while driving home these two guys in the car next to us tried to sell us some weed through their car window. What the hell? This wierdo night was more ghetto than the day i lost 2 hubcaps and had to buy some from Wal-Mart. haha ain't no shame whoop whoop!
(Wilson you must think i'm EXTRA ghetto now, right? ha ha ha =X)
Jeez, i'm glad to be back at my dorm and in my PJs...*yawn* goodnight! ZzZZZzZzzzzz
So instead of staying in and studying like the good little girl I am =P, i just went out and had a pretty not-so-hot night. My suitemate Ashleigh, Shanta and I all made a last-minute decision to hit up AKA Lounge. Tzar, Ashleigh's boyfriend, was performing so we did our usual appearance to support the local scene. Well, for some reason, none of us were really too excited about the night, even though it was probably the last opportunity for us to all chill together before the summer and before we move in together next fall. I guess all of our intuitions had been forecasting that something negative would go down.
All I remember was Shanta and I getting our lounge on and chillin' on one of the couches right after Tzar's set, talking about the art on the walls and the beauty of the human form. The next thing we knew, half the guys there were on the ground. Punches flew left and right, i saw blood and heard bottles breaking on some of the guys' heads. I think i was pretty frozen on the couch while I saw mad people rush to the fight that was happening not even 10 feet from me. But I snapped out of it as soon as I felt Shanta get up beside me, and i shouted at her "Let's be out!" Later on I found out there's some obvious beef with the local hip-hop scene. Sad...let's live in love, peace, and unity, y'all.
We chilled outside for a while, which ended up being the highlight of my night. Most of the crowd was gathered outside talking about the details of whatever they saw. In the meanwhile, i moved off to the side and happened to discover this other tight little lounge right next to AKA called The Mark. Score! I love these intimate little places and the band they had playing tonight was really good. I just sat on their stoop and chilled to their set. Then a little ways down the street I saw this interesting little art gallery called The Oval on Orange. While wandering around even more, I passed by this bar, Bodhissativa, that described itself as "the nudist, buddhist, biker, bondage bar". Uh ok, that's cool! Hey, whatever people are down for! LOL glad to have found some positivity after all that craziness happened.
So note to Michelle (my partnah): we're going to have to do some strolling around downtown this summer, as usual. Plus, The Mark reminded me of that little jazz club Let Let brought us to that was in the Village in NY. We gotta start discovering all the little places orlando has to offer, too!
Oh, to add to the ghettoness of the night, this really un-fly brotha tried to run game the whole time, much to my dismay. But he's a chef at a local restaurant and he offered the three of us free meals there. LOL poor college students need to eat right? haha j/k. Then while driving home these two guys in the car next to us tried to sell us some weed through their car window. What the hell? This wierdo night was more ghetto than the day i lost 2 hubcaps and had to buy some from Wal-Mart. haha ain't no shame whoop whoop!
(Wilson you must think i'm EXTRA ghetto now, right? ha ha ha =X)
Jeez, i'm glad to be back at my dorm and in my PJs...*yawn* goodnight! ZzZZZzZzzzzz
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
Friday, April 18, 2003
A friend of mine sent me this website recently. The accuracy of these little quizzes scare me sometimes.
RESULTS:
You are always alert and keenly observant. You are not truly satisfied with your everyday status and you are seeking fresh avenues which can give you the opportunity to prove your worth. You feel that there are still many barriers that stand between you and recognition - but one by one you will overcome them. Your tenacity is your one good point - like an English Bulldog, once you take the bite, you will seldom let go.
For some time now you may have been subjected to considerable physical illness and or emotional distress. This may have taken a severe toll and you feel both physically and mentally worn out. Your self esteem has been reduced and you now need a peaceful environment which will permit you to effect full recovery.
Many people will consider you egotistical and full of your own self importance. On the surface you could well give this impression and perhaps the reason for this complacent attitude is because at times you indeed have that 'short fuse' and are quick to take offense.
There is a suppressed anxiety which may be the result of an unsatisfactory or discordant personal relationship. This has led or is leading to unwarranted excess stress and tension. You are angry, uptight and feeling the physical effects of this anxiety. It is essential that you calm down, your physical well-being could be in jeopardy. It would seem that most of your stress is a result of an unsatisfactory relationship. You have tried, or are considering the possibility of trying to restore the love and trust situation - but so far - perhaps to no avail. So the situation is regarded as depressing and this unhappy state continues to aggravate the situation to a point of complete helplessness.
You feel utterly wretched - worn out. The demands that other people have been making on you have depleted your strength and stamina. You feel powerless to try to remedy the situation on your own and you are looking for what is hopefully known as 'divine intervention'. But be assured your salvation lies in yourself - you have the ability so use it.
RESULTS:
You are always alert and keenly observant. You are not truly satisfied with your everyday status and you are seeking fresh avenues which can give you the opportunity to prove your worth. You feel that there are still many barriers that stand between you and recognition - but one by one you will overcome them. Your tenacity is your one good point - like an English Bulldog, once you take the bite, you will seldom let go.
For some time now you may have been subjected to considerable physical illness and or emotional distress. This may have taken a severe toll and you feel both physically and mentally worn out. Your self esteem has been reduced and you now need a peaceful environment which will permit you to effect full recovery.
Many people will consider you egotistical and full of your own self importance. On the surface you could well give this impression and perhaps the reason for this complacent attitude is because at times you indeed have that 'short fuse' and are quick to take offense.
There is a suppressed anxiety which may be the result of an unsatisfactory or discordant personal relationship. This has led or is leading to unwarranted excess stress and tension. You are angry, uptight and feeling the physical effects of this anxiety. It is essential that you calm down, your physical well-being could be in jeopardy. It would seem that most of your stress is a result of an unsatisfactory relationship. You have tried, or are considering the possibility of trying to restore the love and trust situation - but so far - perhaps to no avail. So the situation is regarded as depressing and this unhappy state continues to aggravate the situation to a point of complete helplessness.
You feel utterly wretched - worn out. The demands that other people have been making on you have depleted your strength and stamina. You feel powerless to try to remedy the situation on your own and you are looking for what is hopefully known as 'divine intervention'. But be assured your salvation lies in yourself - you have the ability so use it.
Thursday, April 17, 2003
On many different occassions, i've been accused of "thinking too much". Perhaps this is an example...
A couple weeks ago he gave me this plant that he had gotten for free for signing up with an environmental group on campus. He gave it to me and told me it was to help bring oxygen to my room so that i could breathe easier. I had been coughing and found out earlier that day that I had bronchitis. It wasn't the prettiest thing, but it was definitely a nice gesture. A nice gesture that i didnt feel came around as often as i would have preferred. Since we started having problems, i noticed that the plant was slowly dying. I watered it daily, but it just became more and more diseased. When our problems climaxed, the plant was at a point where it was just a shriveled mess.
Today, i looked at my room mate and told her that he gave it to me, and it's state was symbolic of the state of our relationship. As a joke, i went the plant and started performing CPR on it. I literally put my fingers to the plant and pressed down on top of it into the dirt, saying things like 1-2-CLEAR!. It was pretty funny, but then i knocked the plant over. I picked up the plant and the dirt, but it was obviously unsalvageable.
Well tonight we finally spoke again, and it's all over. Last week, we broke up, got back together. We continued for maybe like 2 days, but then i completely blew up at him. Blew up at him and said things no one, especially him, deserves to ever hear. and now it's over.
my analyzations keep on rolling. silly to compare, i know. but there that plant was, for me to think about.
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
PRO-crastinator
I almost forgot blogging's role in the whole scheme of the procrastinating process. I think it's a much better distractor than the naps that i've gotten accustomed to taking since starting my college career. This way, i'm at least somewhat stimulating my intellectual drive, even if it's just through incessant babble. But i must admit, those naps are addictive. It's a complete escape. So the choices i have tonight are caffeine and blogger, or naps i can't get up from. Tonight, the Folger's (extra sugar, extra cream) wins. A good thing too, considering my self-reflection paper for my leadership class was due last Wednesday and i haven't even started. Definite priority to get that in by tomorrow. I'm also behind in my Modern Humanities class, which is awful because i absolutely adore this subject. I've had to avoid that class like the plague since I had my critical media draft due at the beginning of the month and never got around to starting that either. I was talking to Ryan about avoiding classes were behind in earlier today, because he's in the same boat with his photography class. It's as though I can't physically face the class and look into the eyes of my professor, knowing that what they're probably thinking is "lazy-ass-loser" when they see me finally walking in after, what, 3 weeks of not coming at all? When I finally do go back, rest assured that paper will be completed in quality. Seriously, i dont know when "when" is. Right now, that's too complicated to answer. If there's one thing i hate, it's looking at all the shit i have to catch up on. I end up feeling overwhelmed and guess what, sleeping. Bleh. Not tonight though! I'm pulling through (after i get this entry done, of course)!
I. am. determined!
GOALS - shit to get done before 4 am tonight:
-leadership reflection essay
-OASIS bio
Not too hard. I should be ok. I've been though this many nights before...
Ok, so what else can i talk about to keep me from starting? Well, Rodel and i decided to stay together. I was thisclose to letting it all go. All weekend, i had prepared myself to break-up. I had re-established my "single is the way to go" M.O. and was satisfied with the mindset that we were going to be apart. Ok, maybe not satisfied, but accepting. But we talked, err, i should say he talked. I let him do the talking this time because i had already said my piece. My aggravations, frustrations, everything. I laid it out on the table a couple nights ago and thats what started this whole roller coaster. Thats the thing with him and the way i communicate to him though. For the first time in my life, i'm actually able to verbally tell him exactly what is on my mind at the exact moment i'm feeling it. I hate that feeling that when i argue, there's always something i want to say but i cant verbalize it, then i think up all those great retorts that i could have said days afterwards, when they're useless. Yet, i can always speak with raw honesty to him. Anyways, we had our "make up or break up" talk, and here I am still taken. And I'm glad, because simply, he's the one i'm comfortable and i'm happy with. We have a lot to work on though, and maybe this is the first test of true commitment. Whoa, were 6 weeks today. It may not be alot to many people but i swear in my book thats an eternity. So hopefully we'll persevere. We're both smart, busy, young, but most importantly, continuously learning. Like i said when i first wrote about him, only time will tell.
"How many a man has thrown up his hands at a time when a little more effort, a little more patience would have achieved success."
--Elbert Hubbard
I almost forgot blogging's role in the whole scheme of the procrastinating process. I think it's a much better distractor than the naps that i've gotten accustomed to taking since starting my college career. This way, i'm at least somewhat stimulating my intellectual drive, even if it's just through incessant babble. But i must admit, those naps are addictive. It's a complete escape. So the choices i have tonight are caffeine and blogger, or naps i can't get up from. Tonight, the Folger's (extra sugar, extra cream) wins. A good thing too, considering my self-reflection paper for my leadership class was due last Wednesday and i haven't even started. Definite priority to get that in by tomorrow. I'm also behind in my Modern Humanities class, which is awful because i absolutely adore this subject. I've had to avoid that class like the plague since I had my critical media draft due at the beginning of the month and never got around to starting that either. I was talking to Ryan about avoiding classes were behind in earlier today, because he's in the same boat with his photography class. It's as though I can't physically face the class and look into the eyes of my professor, knowing that what they're probably thinking is "lazy-ass-loser" when they see me finally walking in after, what, 3 weeks of not coming at all? When I finally do go back, rest assured that paper will be completed in quality. Seriously, i dont know when "when" is. Right now, that's too complicated to answer. If there's one thing i hate, it's looking at all the shit i have to catch up on. I end up feeling overwhelmed and guess what, sleeping. Bleh. Not tonight though! I'm pulling through (after i get this entry done, of course)!
I. am. determined!
GOALS - shit to get done before 4 am tonight:
-leadership reflection essay
-OASIS bio
Not too hard. I should be ok. I've been though this many nights before...
Ok, so what else can i talk about to keep me from starting? Well, Rodel and i decided to stay together. I was thisclose to letting it all go. All weekend, i had prepared myself to break-up. I had re-established my "single is the way to go" M.O. and was satisfied with the mindset that we were going to be apart. Ok, maybe not satisfied, but accepting. But we talked, err, i should say he talked. I let him do the talking this time because i had already said my piece. My aggravations, frustrations, everything. I laid it out on the table a couple nights ago and thats what started this whole roller coaster. Thats the thing with him and the way i communicate to him though. For the first time in my life, i'm actually able to verbally tell him exactly what is on my mind at the exact moment i'm feeling it. I hate that feeling that when i argue, there's always something i want to say but i cant verbalize it, then i think up all those great retorts that i could have said days afterwards, when they're useless. Yet, i can always speak with raw honesty to him. Anyways, we had our "make up or break up" talk, and here I am still taken. And I'm glad, because simply, he's the one i'm comfortable and i'm happy with. We have a lot to work on though, and maybe this is the first test of true commitment. Whoa, were 6 weeks today. It may not be alot to many people but i swear in my book thats an eternity. So hopefully we'll persevere. We're both smart, busy, young, but most importantly, continuously learning. Like i said when i first wrote about him, only time will tell.
"How many a man has thrown up his hands at a time when a little more effort, a little more patience would have achieved success."
--Elbert Hubbard
Monday, April 07, 2003
the cycle continues
Don't you just hate it when a friend says a really enlightening quote, and you repeat it over and over in your head to remember it, but just as you finally have time to write it down, the words completely slip out of your mind. Well that's precisely what just happened to me. I guess the least i can do is at least document the context of the quote...
Today I happened to get into a conversation with my Lead from work, Jennifer, on guys and relationships. The usual break-time girl-talk. Jennifer is an extremely sweet twenty-something, but she can be a little emotional and shy at times. Anyways, i was getting into my personal guy problems and to my surprise she responds with complete authority. "Diane, get out now while you can. We've all been there but you have to dump him before you're in too deep." Seriously, coming from Jennifer, i knew that i was listening to honest advice. It's hard to imagine that the last time we were on this same topic, tears were coming out of her eyes and I was the one saying "Hey, you're too good for him. Being single is great!" What a complete role reversal. During this conversation, i realized how much i had changed from my old self... from the times i felt comfort in singledom. In those days, i was in control, independent and satisfied. I hate to admit it, but these days i've been feeling insecure and needy. As Jennifer put it, I had unfortunately entered "the Dark Side".
So surprise, surprise, yet another month has passed and i am once again having problems with the "significant" other. My relationship life is pathetically turning into what i call the monthly burnout. I've established a pattern where usually a month after the start of a relationship i either get tired of them, they get tired of me, or problems arise and were both just mutually fed up with each other. I only write in this thing about once a month, so it seems as though the most prevalent thing i have to think/write about is my relationship life. Au contraire, but it's just therapeutic to write about this particular topic. I'm not gonna get into details about the whole fiasco. This blog is called vaguethoughts, after all. =) Gotta live up to the name, you know.
how am i supposed to take what you say to heart when actions speak louder than words?
o/` well i'm bouncin' / and i'm out son / I gotta leave you alone... o/`
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